Edward Cullen's Last Night on the Town
by Seint
Summary: When guys get together for a bachelor party, it's usually disgustingly lewd. Add three vampires to the equation and what do you get? Absolute insanity. Rated M for swearing, drug use, and sexual themes. The final chapter is up! Read, review, and enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**I thought of this story while reading Breaking Dawn, and since the book doesn't explicitly mention what went on with Edward's "bachelor party" I decided to create this extremely random and extremely enlightening look at what three vampire guys do during a bachelor party. Welcome to the mind-fuck that is "Edward Cullen's Last Night on the Town".**

**I do not own the Twilight Saga or any characters from it. I'm just warping them into crazy party boys and making them all OOC.**

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**CHAPTER ONE: 12:30 – 1:30 AM**

Emmett patted his brother Edward on the back as he slid nimbly out of the window of Bella's house. "Are you ready for the night of your life?"

Edward rolled his eyes. "Yeah right. I was having a perfectly fine night in there."

"What exactly do you think we're going to do tonight? Listen to you play classical crap on your piano while Jasper paints a Birmingham and I do ballet? Hell to the no. We're going to binge drink! We're going to get stupid! We're going to have the time of our lives! Right, Jasper?"

Jasper slapped his brother hi-five. "Oh yeah."

"Now everyone, get into the monster truck." Emmett pointed to a huge truck in the street, which took up half of the left lane. Luckily, Forks had little to no night life, so no cars passed by the extremely large vehicle.

"Are you crazy?" Edward exclaimed. "Where exactly did you even get one of those?"

Jasper chimed in "I know a guy who knows a guy."

Edward rolled his eyes and climbed into the front seat between Emmett and Jasper.

Emmett started up the monster truck. "Where do we go for the first mission, Jasper?"

Jasper read a sentence from a notebook. "First, we drive recklessly on the interstate to Port Angeles acting drunk, but of course we're completely sober, and blast loud, obnoxious rap music from the stereo, pissing off the other drives."

Edward turned to Jasper, who was sitting on his right. "I want out."

"Oh quit being such a pussy." Emmett said, crushing two trash cans as he backed up.

Edward turned to Jasper again. "I want out. Please move."

Emmett gave Jasper a dark look. "You know what to do."

Jasper nodded solemnly.

Suddenly, Jasper had rope and a blindfold in his hand. "This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you."

"Shit." Edward cursed.

\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\

Emmett and Jasper were flying down the interstate, singing along to whatever rap song came on the radio.

"Emmett, go for that car!" Jasper pointed.

Emmett steered into the lane the green car was going down. "Get off the road," They both sang along with the rap song. With a flick of the steering wheel, Emmett avoided the oncoming car and both he and Jasper yelled out the driver-side window "MOVE FOOL!" They laughed hysterically.

Edward however, was not laughing. He was now in the truck bed, hog-tied and blindfolded, rolling around with every lurch of the monster truck. That was the twelfth time they had gotten into the oncoming lane of traffic. Two times it was police cruisers they decided to play chicken with. They out-ran the cruiser every time it turned around and chased after them. "You guys are fucking retards!" He yelled at the truck's cab. But they didn't hear him because of the rap music. Edward hated rap music.

Jasper pointed to a billboard sign over near an abandoned repair garage. It read YOUR SIGN COULD BE HERE. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"

Emmett grinned. "Hell yes! Where's the spray paint?"

They pulled in front of the garage and pulled out two cans of red spray paint. In under a minute, they had finished. They pulled a squirming Edward out of the truck bed and took the blindfold off.

"About damn time!" Edward shouted.

"Look at the billboard sign!" They cheered. Edward saw the words JACOB BLACK IS A GAY DOG in large, red letters.

"C'mon Ed, you know that's funny." Jasper laughed.

Edward couldn't help but to smirk and say "Oh please. Give me those cans, I'll show you how it's done."

By the time Edward was finished, the sign said JACOB BLACK IS A GAY DOG-MOLESTING PORN STAR WHO LIKES IT IN THE ASS.

Emmett and Jasper were rolling around on the ground in a fit of laughter. Jasper recovered long enough to take a picture of Edward and the sign as proof of it actually happening.

"I can't believe it," Emmett shouted. "Edward Cullen has balls."

"Damn right I have balls. Now listen up," Edward said. "I'll play along for tonight, but ONLY tonight. After this, no more wild shit like what we're doing now."

"Except if you like it." Emmett pointed out.

"Especially if I like it."

"Okay guys, we need to go if we're going to make it in time to the next mission." Jasper called from the truck.

"What's the next mission?" Edward asked.

Emmett only grinned. "Bars."


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm back again with number two. These chapters are getting easier to write every time I write one. Also, thanks to everyone who posted a review. You guys rock!**

**I do not own Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse or Breaking Dawn. But you already knew that.**

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**CHAPTER TWO: 1:30 – 2:15 AM**

The three vampire brothers cruised alongside normal traffic in their not-so-normal monster truck, Emmett and Jasper cracking dirty jokes every minute or so.

"Bars." Edward muttered to himself. In spite of his change of heart, he was still in the bed of the truck, only this time he wasn't hog-tied and blind folded like a hostage. Which was good, except the interstate lights would blind him every time they passed one. Which was often.

Honestly, Edward wondered what good it was to even go to a bar. As far as he knew, he couldn't get drunk. Of course, he'd never actually tried to get to get drunk so it could still happen. Alcohol affected the mind after all, and his mind was working perfectly.

"Alright everyone, let's get CRUNK!" Emmett shouted, springing out of the truck's cab enthusiastically. Edward and Jasper followed him into the neon-lit bar.

Edward had to admit, the bar was exactly like those he'd seen in the movies, with the drinking, the loud chatter, and sure enough, the guy in the cowboy hat making out with a woman beside the door.

But Edward did a double take. It, in fact, wasn't a woman. If it was a woman, she would not have hairy arms, thick eyebrows, or chin stubble. For the first time in his undead life, Edward Cullen was genuinely scared.

Right then, he made a vow to God that he would never, ever, get that drunk.

\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\

Edward sat on a bar stool, already on his fourth shot of tequila. Emmett was being his usually obnoxious self; grabbing girls' asses, singing along to whatever country song came on the stereo system behind the bar, sloshing the beer in his hand everywhere. Jasper, however, decided he would be the designated driver tonight and would just settle with grabbing girls' asses.

Emmett walked up to Edward. "Hey Ed, some prick was talking shit about Bella." Emmett pointed over to a guy who sat at a table, drinking. "He said she'd make a good hooker if she wasn't so butt-ugly."

Try as he might, the alcohol was messing with Edward's ability to read Emmett's mind. And sadly he was drunk enough to take Emmett at his word.

Edward set the shot glass down and stood up. "I think I'm goin' Johnny Cash on his ass."

Emmett yelled over to where Jasper sat, flirting with a barmaid. "OMG Jasper! Get over here! Ed's gonna Johnny Cash someone!"

Jasper made a beeline for Emmett and Edward, turning on his digital camera. "I'm going to take as many pictures as possible."

"Forget pictures," Emmett said "Put it on movie mode, this is too good to pass up!"

Edward rolled up his sleeves and added. "I might be able to Chuck Norris him too."

"Oh my God! I gotta get this!" Jasper exclaimed, turning on the video function and pointing the camera at Edward.

Edward walked over to the man, grabbing a guitar on the way. He stood in front of the man, holding the guitar by the neck. "My name is Edward, how do you do?"

The man looked up at Edward. "Wha?"

Edward raised the guitar. "NOW YOU GONNA DIE, BITCH!"

Edward smashed the guitar in the man's face and, without missing a beat, pulled off the perfect roundhouse kick, knocking the unconscious man into the opposite wall of the room.

"DO IT ED! DO IT!" Emmett and Jasper cheered.

Edward walked over to the unconscious man and pulled out a random Chuck Norris joke. "Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did." And spat on the guy.

"OH GOD! He did a Johnny Cash/Chuck Norris in under a minute!" Emmett and Jasper bumped chests in victory.

Edward walked back over to his brothers, trying to balance himself with every step. "Where are we going next?"

"Strip club." Jasper answered him with a grin.

"I can't go there."

"Why not?" they both asked him.

"'Cause I thinked I passed out." Immediately after saying that, Edward collapsed onto the floor and threw up the four shots of tequila.

Jasper and Emmett carried him outside and literally tossed him in the back of the truck, careful not to touch the puke on his shirt. "You know, all these years I didn't know we could still puke up stuff. I want to see that video once we get home."

Jasper climbed into the driver's seat. "No worries, I'm going to make a DVD to show everyone . . . I have one question, though,"

"Shoot."

"Did that guy really say that about Bella?"

Emmett smirked. "Nah, I just made that shit up. Edward can't mind-read when he's buzzed."

"We need to get him drunk more often, then." Jasper watched the movie again in amazement.

Emmett slapped his brother a high-five. "Amen to that."


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry about the long wait! I was doing some pre-GED work, so I couldn't really get anything wrote, but I've got a few weeks off, so I'll be able write more often. Oh and just so you know, this chapter contains some sexual stuff in it, so if you don't have the stomach for it, don't read it. (Never really met anyone who didn't have a stomach for it, but you know . . . ;-)**

**If by now you don't know that I don't own Twilight, you my friend, need clinical help.**

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**CHAPTER THREE: 2:15 – 3:30 AM**

Edward, Jasper and Emmett pulled up to the strip club parking lot.

"Hey Ed, we're going in now!" Jasper called to him over the side of the truck. "You coming?"

"Aw dude, use something else to express going somewhere besides_ that_!" Emmett hollered.

"Oh! Uhhh. . .are you going to enter into the facility –"

"Naw, I'm…uh, good." Edward said, giving them a thumbs-down.

"Don't you mean thumbs –"

Emmett pulled Jasper to the side. "Do we really want to be seen going into a strip club with someone that drunk?"

"Yeah, let's just go."

And so they did.

Edward looked up at the moon in amazement. "Hey Mooooooon, you're awfully big. How's it going up there?"

The moon didn't reply. Edward sighed. "I wonder what Bella's dreaming about right now? Probably a magical dream land with ponies and cheese…"

**-What Bella Was Really Dreaming-**

_Hey Edward, what's – Oh, and Jacob's here too. Is everything alright? Uh, why are you guys feeling me up? Oh, you wanted. . . Hold it, you mean the BOTH of you wanted to do it. . .with me . . . Okay, let's break this bed!_

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Edward sighed again. "Ah, my sweet, innocent Bella . . ."

Emmett could be heard inside the club. "WHOOO! WORK THAT SHIT!"

Someone below shouted "Hey! You up there! You have a cig?"

"I don't smoke much," Edward replied. He cocked his head over the tailgate and waved.

"Man, you suck!" the guy called from the street.

"No, I'm not a homosexual. I like boobies." Edward shook his head. "The bigger, the –" And threw up over the tailgate.

"Ugggggghh," Edward groaned. "I think the tequila is wearing off . . ."

And then Edward got the most disgusting image to have ever popped into his mind.

A naked Jasper in a bathroom stall getting pleasured by two women.

"Dammit, Jasper! Put some clothes on, I don't want to see your fucking balls! Why God! Why did my mind reading abilities have to come back now of all times!"

Another lewd image: Emmett getting free lap dances every few minutes.

"You man-whores! I'm going to tell Rosalie and Alice about this!" Edward, thoroughly disgusted, jumped out of the truck and walked over to an arcade which was surprisingly still open.

_Good_, Edward thought. _The farther I am from the stupid horny perverts, the better._

A couple of teenagers were still hanging out there, along with a guy behind a food and drink bar who hailed Edward. "You must be new here. If you beat a Dance Dance Revolution high score you get a free soda."

A soda sounded pretty nice to Edward. And the machine seemed to fog up Emmett and Jasper's thoughts. Why not?

\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\

"Aw man, that was fuckin' awesome!" Emmett punched his fist into the air.

"Man, I wish Alice would do that stuff to me . . ." Jasper said hopefully.

They hopped into the monster truck and Jasper shouted into the back. "Hey Ed! You ready to go?"

Silence.

"Ed?"

Emmett grumbled. "Aw shit. Don't tell me you left the tailgate down."

They got out and hopped into the back.

"Okay, I didn't leave the tailgate down." Jasper said calmly.

"Fuck! We're idiots!" Emmett jumped out of the truck bed and stomped on the ground, which consequently made a small crater.

"You said it, not me."

"Jasper, Edward is GONE! Do you know what Bella will do to us if we ruin her wedding day. One word: castration!"

"Oh my God! We got to find him!"

"Yeah, YA THINK!"

They returned two minute later. No Edward.

"Man, we are so screwed!" A frustrated Emmett said.

"Oh no… I don't want my balls to be chopped off… I like my balls…" Jasper whined.

"Dude, that sounded so unbelievably gay – Hey! Hold on, listen!"

They could ever so faintly hear people chanting "Go Edward, go Edward, go!"

Emmett turned to Jasper. "It would figure the only place we didn't bother to check is the place where nerds hand out." And they took off toward the chanting.

They burst into the place. Edward was surrounded by a crowd of teenagers. Dancing on a black metal stage with red and blue lights flashing. Suddenly, everyone cheered. Edward had beaten every high score on the game. Jasper snapped a picture with that annoying camera of his.

"Drinks for everyone!" Edward shouted and the whole arcade erupted in cheers.

Emmett pulled Edward from the crowd and said "Okay, get out of geek mode. We got shit to do."

"Not so fast. I seem to remember a couple of things you guys were doing . . . Free lap dances ring any bells?"

"Em, Rosalie is going to kill you, man." Jasper laughed.

"Hey Jaz, get any good head lately?" Edward asked.

Jasper turned pale.

"Alright, what do you want?" Emmett glared.

"Don't ditch me anymore, and for the love of God Jasper, don't bang random chicks!"

"I was using protection!" Jasper defended himself.

"I don't care. I died a little when I saw that. And I shouldn't be able to die, you know."

Emmet pointed to the truck. "Whatever, let's just go!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Just wanted to say a mega thank you to everyone for who wrote a review. I'm really glad you liked these misadventures of Ed, Em, and Jaz and I hope you'll stay on for the next few chapters. I apologize for taking so long to put up another chapter, but I have been super busy getting my GED (if anyone cares, probably not), so please be patient with me. If you have any questions or comments about the story feel free to message me. I don't bite or flame.**

**And I don't own Twilight.**

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**CHAPTER FOUR: 3:30 – 6:40 AM**

"So where are we going now?" Edward asked from the truck bed.

"Oh, you'll see . . ." Emmett snickered.

"Dear Lord, this can't be good," Edward muttered.

They pulled up to an abandoned flight strip where a small airplane waited.

Edward poked Jasper in the back. "Don't tell me we're going to be on a terrorist watch list by the end of the night."

"Relax, alright. This is going to be a once in a lifetime event." Jasper answered.

"But we're vampires. We can't die." Edward pointed out.

"Okay . . . forty-eight times in a vampire's lifetime! Are you happy, Mr. Sour-Puss? Hurry up, Em's starting the plane."

They boarded the plane, only to be met by smiling Emmett, decked out in a white captain's uniform with two women on each side of him in flight attendant clothes which no self-respecting flight attendant would ever wear. Emmett tossed Jasper a can of beer. "Jasper, I love you man."

Edward peered at the girls and turned to Jasper. "Don't tell me these are the same girls that you got nasty with in the strip club bathroom . . . "

Jasper clicked the can open and chugged the whole think down. "You girls feeling like doing round two in the mile high club?" he asked.

"Sure, Jaz." They both said seductively.

Jasper turned to Edward. "_Hehe_, they're twins,"

"_Hehe_, you're a freaking creep." Edward mocked him.

"Hey Ed," Emmett lead him down the steps, outside the plane. "I, uh, need you to hold the plane-fail-safe cord while I get her running." He pointed behind the plane, where a rope lay across the strip.

"Just don't take off without me. Or better yet, do take off without me."

"Sure, Ed. Sure" Emmett grinned and walked back into the plane.

Edward wrapped the cord around his wrist as the plane's engine began to whine to life, and the plane slowly rolled down the track with Edward following it from behind. It picked up speed and Edward realized something. "Emmett, you asshole! There's no such thing as a plane-fail-safe cord! Stop!"

The plane did not stop. Actually, it rapidly picked up speed and took off. Edward was less than happy about the current situation, considering he was dangling a couple hundred feet in the sky.

"JASPER! OPEN THE FUCKING CARGO DOOR!" Edward yelled at the plane. However, the image of drunken, naked Jasper in the plane's bathroom getting pleasured by the two women forced its way into Edward's mind. "AW SHIT, JASPER! WHAT'S IT WITH YOU AND BATHROOMS?"

Edward untied the cord from his wrist and hung on for dear life – or dear death, I suppose you could say. "Here goes nothing," Edward said to himself and began to climb up the cord.

\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\

Emmett sat in the cockpit reading a horror novel, his mind filled with deep intellectual questions such as "What's the meaning of life?", "Do rabid, penis-shredding jackalopes really exist?" and "Who in the hell named this place a 'cockpit'?" playing in his mind. But to Emmett, the funniest thing today was happening in the back of the plane: Edward. And a video camera was recording the whole thing. For once, things were going according to plan. Emmett propped his feet over the control board and stared out into the night sky. Until, that is, he found out that Edward was not dangling behind the plane.

If you've ever seem one of those internet maze with those freaky pictures that pop out when you are about to finish, you can imagine what happens next. For those who don't get around on the Web much, here is what happened. Edward's face suddenly appeared upside-down and his hand scratched into the glass the oft-quoted and misspelled words: YOU'RE ASS ARE BELONG TO ME LOL.

"Ahhhhh! Holy motherfucking jackalopes!" Emmett took off out of the cabin and banged on the bathroom door. "Jasper! Jasper, open up!" But no answer. Emmett broke through the door to find Jasper gagged and handcuffed.

Emmett loosened the gag. "Dude, you're disgusting. I can't believe you're into that kind of stuff."

"N-no, those twins. . . they took my wallet. . . and condoms. . . and got me to smoke this funky shit. . . I think they might have spiked that beer. . ." Jasper said with difficulty.

"Who cares! Where's the parachutes?"

"Uh. . . yeah, we should put extras on here next times."

"THERE YOU ARE," Edward called ominously, right behind Emmett.

"O-O-O-Okay, don't kill me. I was just having some fun. You like fun don't you?" Emmett cracked a carefree smile in the hope that Edward would turn the other cheek.

He didn't.

"Land the plane." Edward ordered, deadly serious.

"Fair enough." Emmett sped into the cockpit.

Edward looked over to Jasper. "And what the hell happened to you?"

Jasper, still handcuffed and naked, hung his head in shame. "It's a long story."

Edward grabbed Jasper's camera from the pile of clothes and snapped a picture of the nude vampire. "You know Alice will make you her bitch for this?"

Jasper sighed. "Yeah, I know."

"Uh Ed, we have a problem." Emmett muttered meekly. "We, heh, kinda just entered the Bering Sea. . ."

Edward slammed his brother against the wall. "If you make me miss MY WEDDING because you had to throw a DAMN BACHELOR PARTY, I will personally see to it that you ARE RAPED IN YOUR SLEEP BY LEAH! DO YOU HEAR ME, ASSWIPE!"

Emmett whimpered. "I'm so sorry!"

"You will be!" Edward threatened. "Now listen, we are going to ditch the plane. We can swim faster than this thing can fly."

"But it's cold!" Jasper whined.

Edward smacked Jasper in the face. "Are you a vampire or a whiny little bitch! Just for that, I'm not going to take off the handcuffs!" Edward pried open the plane door and kicked Emmett and Jasper into the Sea.

"Good thing the camera's waterproof," Edward brought the camera up to his face and turned the video function on. "Note to self: when Emmett says we are going to have the time of our lives, kick him in the balls and call the Volturi." Edward dived out of the plane and into the Bering Sea.


	5. Chapter 5

**Wow, some of you probably thought this was dead, huh? Took me a while to type up a chapter, for which I apologize for (profusely). Anyways, I thank all the fans of the fic for being so patient. I'll do my best to get the next chapter written up as quickly as possible. And now I'll stop my ass-kissing and get to the disclaimer:**

**Could you imagine how disgustingly sick and awful Twilight would be if I did own it? Edward would be a sexually frustrated Naruto fanboy who cosplays as Sasuke all day long hoping to one day enter mortal combat with his idol, Jasper would be a drunken drug-smuggling sea captain who only spoke in a confused, strange dialectic cross between Chinese and French with a Southern drawl, and Emmett would be a multi-platinum rapper/pimp/gangbanger/drug dealer with a prostitute on each arm. People would drop dead all over the globe if they had to read fuugly shit like that. Yes, be exceedingly glad that I don't own Twilight and that Stephanie Meyer does instead.**

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**CHAPTER FIVE: 6:40 – 9:30 AM**

Edward spat out the icy cold seawater and glared that Emmett and Jasper, who where floating beside him. "Well, what are you waiting for? Swim!"

Emmett and Jasper however, were pointing behind Edward, mouth agape with an oh-shit-oh-shit-we-are-so-fucking-screwed look in their eyes. And the water noticeably got warmer and yellow looking around them.

Edward, flustered by their cowardice, turned around to see what they were looking at. High above them, a foreboding gray, warship's broadside spanned the waters, almost hiding the dim dawn. Sailors aboard the ship leveled their rifles at the three vampires.

Edward smacked Emmett and Jasper on their heads. "You fucking idiots! We're not in Alaska! We're near Canada! This isn't the Bering Sea, this is the fucking Hecate Straight! See that Canadian Warship looming over us? That there boys, is one lean, mean, maple syrup making machine! That badass mutha could drill both of your asses worse than a maximum security inmate with a number-two pencil!"

An in an almost biblical moment, the scales came off of Edward's eyes and he joined his bothers in staring at the ship. "Oh dear God. That's a fucking Canadian warship. Straight out of Canada. With sailors and the works."

"Hey," Emmett muttered breathlessly. "Wanna hear a joke?"

"Sure. Fire away." Edward muttered back.

"The correct term for a low ranking sailor is 'Seaman'. Get it? Like 'Semen'." Emmett chuckled quietly.

Edward and Jasper gave their own nervous laughs. "Good one Em. Give them another reason to let all hell loose upon us. I dare you."

"BREAK FOR IT!!!" Edward screamed as he dived under the chilly waters as far down as he could as water encased bullets whizzed by him. He motioned to Emmett and Jasper to start swimming as fast as they could in the south-east direction (They wasted valuable minutes, as Edward had to explain to the two shitheads which way was "South-east".)

After five minutes of swimming at torpedo-like speeds, the brothers Cullen arrived at a secluded beach shadowed by a thick forest. On a short cliff bordering the edge of the woods, sat a small weather-beaten wooden shack.

"Phew. . . Looks like we got away from those assholes. Can someone get these cuffs off my wrists, please?"" Jasper said, lying face down on the sand.

"Just barely," Edward interjected, scanning the area with his eyes. "Huh, this doesn't look to far from Port Angeles. . ."

"Holy Shit!" Emmett exclaimed, breaking off Jasper's handcuffs. "We're actually at the site for the final mission!"

Edward scowled. "Will you fucking lay off the mission crap! We've got bigger problems!"

Emmett sloshed over to Edward and threw and arm around his neck. "Don't you remember? You, me, Roselie, and Tanya. A big bag of weed. Our new eight-track tape player. Summer of '67 ring any bells?"

Edward smiled, lost in nostalgia. "Ah. . . Those were the days, bud."

Emmett gave a hearty laugh. "Remember that weekend I got so stoned I didn't stop sweating for a week?"

"Yeah, Rose was so wasted that you guys were getting it on in the woods for eleven hours that Sunday."

"What about you and Tanya? I'm sure you guys weren't playing Old Maid while we were out."

Edward chuckled. "Oh no we weren't. . . But don't tell Bella about that. As far as she knows, I'm still a virgin."

Emmett patted Edward's shoulder. "My lips are sealed, you lucky bastard. Now I want to ask you something. There is a big bag of grass in the old shack just waiting to be puffed. What do ya say?"

Jasper chimed in. "Uh, helloooo? Me still here."

Edward walked over to Jasper and grabbed the collar of jasper's shirt. "You weren't with us back then. Tell me: have you smoked weed before?"

Jasper was taken aback by Edward's seriousness. "Uh, no. I'm a weed virgin."

Edward grinned. "Well buddy, Me and Em are gonna fuck you up so bad you won't be able to tell a squirrel from a grizzy."

\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\

"Hey Em!" a stoned Jasper said, the three vampire sitting crossed-legged on the floor of the shack.

"Wassup, boyyyyy?" Em chuckled, and then repeated himself. "Boyyyyy. Boyyyyy. Boyyyyy?"

"Me- Me- Me and- And. . . Uh. . ." Jasper scratched his head in bewilderment.

"Edward! Rawr!" Edward roared, puffing on his joint and blowing smoke into the air. "I AM A LION, STALKING MY PREY! HEAR ME PURR!!! PURRRR!!!"

"Me and Edward!" Jasper poked Emmett in the chest. "Want to take you PICTURE!!!"

"PURRRR!!!" Edward shouted, banging his head against the wall.

"'Kay, 'kay, lemme pose!" Emmett laid back, pulled the bottom of his shirt over his head and made a mediating pose with a joint in each hand.

"PURRRR!!!" Edward jumped on Emmett, try to bite his head. "I WILL EAT YOU HEARTZ, YOU ZEBRA!!! PURRRR BITCH!!!"

Jasper took the picture and clapped. "You can feel the positive energy around that photo, maaaaaan."

"Oh man!" Emmett said, looking at his watch. It read 9:25. "Shit. We need to get back to Forks ASAP boys! Boyyyyss! Boyyyyys?"

"PURRRR!!!" Edward shouted, humping a rock on the beach.

"We need a truck maaaaaaan. Do you have one?" Jasper asked.

"Yeah, I stuck a new monster truck in the woods near here."

"Cool, I can respect that."

Jasper and Emmett walked out of the shack and, carrying a struggling, hog-tied Edward on Emmett's shoulders. They stopped in front of a monster truck.

"Now, if only we could find our truck?" Emmett asked himself.

Jasper snapped his fingers. "Maybe its behind this monster truck somebody parked here?"

"Yeah, maybe- OH, this IS our monster truck!"

Jasper gasped. "You are shitting me!"

"I shit you not, friend! This is our truck."

They threw a purring Edward into the bed and hopped into the cab.

"I think the weed is starting to wear off." Emmett said, starting up the truck and pulling onto the gravel road.

"Yeah, same here." Jasper agreed.

"PURRRR!!! I WILL NEVER SUBMIT TO YOU TREE-HUGGERS!!! PURRR!!!! PURRRR!!!" Edward proclaimed from the truck's bed.

Emmett slammed the breaks and cursed. "Shit! What are they doing here?"

In the middle of the road, Jacob, Embry, and Paul stood in front of their truck, which blocked the road.

"We want to talk with you!" Jacob yelled.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey guys, how's it going? I'm taking a brief break from my college work to offer up the next chapter of Edward's party. You must be bubbling with excitement, right? …Or, maybe that's the acid coming up in your throat from having to read a bunch of stoned/random shit that just brings the world's collective IQ down even more? You're probably think, "Why would you write up crap like this when you could be working on a grade-A paper, or getting a girlfriend?" The answer: I have no freaking clue. Your guess is as good as mine. Anyways, ladies and gents, enjoy the show. Which technically belongs to Stephanie Meyers.**

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**CHAPTER SIX: 9:30 – 10:55 AM**

"What's up, Jakey-poo?" Jasper hollered, doing a dive-roll out the monster truck's window.

"What's up?" Jacob chuckled. "I'll tell you what's up. Edward's marriage to Bella."

Emmett, who had climbed on top of the truck with his arms folded, said "I can tell already that this is going to turn into a fucking soap opera. Cut to the chase Lassie, we're burnin' daylight.

Jacob responded by flipping Emmett the bird. "So where is that little bastard Edward hiding?"

"PURRRR!!! I SMELL A MUTHAFUCKIN DOG ON MY MUTHAFUCKIN TERRITORY!!! PURRRR LIKE A BITCH!!!" Edward launched himself at Jacob from behind, poking Jacob's back at supersonic speeds.

"HOLY FUCKS!?" Jacob freaked. He regained his composure, turned around and smacked both Paul and Embry on the back of the heads. "You morons! You're supposed to watch my back!"

"He came out of nowhere!" Paul shouted.

"Uh Jake, wouldn't a better question be 'Why is he poking me?'" Embry chimed in.

Edward, with an incredibly intense leer on his face, jabbed his index fingers at Jacob's stomach.

"Yeah, is he on crack or something?" Jacob scratched his head in bewilderment.

"Actually, its Grade-A cannabis!" Jasper yelled.

"Hey Jaz-man, this might be kind of weird, but I'm fucking starving," Emmett said.

Jasper nodded. "I hear you man. Must be the weed. We'll get some McDonald's on the way back."

"What are you two idiots, Cheech and Chong?" Jacob rolled his eyes. "Guys, let's knock these assholes out, tie them up, and throw them in ditch. And then, when Bella is abandoned at the altar by _him_,"

"Like I said Jaz, fucking soap opera." Emmett interrupted.

"It will be I who will rush to her rescue and I who will—"

"Ugggrgrgh…" Edward swayed. Apparently the weed's effects where lessening.

"What's wrong with him?" Embry asked.

"Muhhhhh… Brains…"

"OH SHIT!!! HE'S A FUCKING ZOMBIE! EVERYONE GET IN THE FUCKING TRUCK!!!" Paul cried, bolting toward the truck.

"Damn it Paul, the zombie apocalypse isn't real! Eh Fuck it, whatever," Jacob, followed by and Embry, jumped into the back. "See you ladies at the wedding. NOT!" Jacob laughed. Paul floored it, and they sped off toward the interstate.

Emmett and Jasper grinned. "Dude, how did you do that?"

Edward shrugged. "Paul has a zombie phobia. Jacob was teasing him about it the other day on his Myspace." He sprung into the back of the monster truck. "C'mon guys, we got a wedding to un-crash."

Jasper and Emmett climbed back into the truck and the engine roared to life. They shot off down the old dirt road, the dust still flying from when the wolves' truck had passed through only minutes ago.

Jasper shook his head. "I don't think we're gonna make it Em, they got a pretty good head start."

"We can do it, it's just going to take perfect timing," Emmett said.

They finally got off the old side road and pulled on to the sparsely populated interstate road. Up ahead, Jacob and Embry held on for dear life as Paul zig-zagged the truck in an effort to throw off their "Zombie-fied" pursuers.

"There they are!" Edward pointed. "Run them off the road!"

"Fuck yeah! This is like Grand Theft Auto!" Emmett cheered. He pushed the pedal to the floor and they closed in on the wolves.

Then, Edward saw the perfect opportunity. "Hey Jake!" He pointed over to the billboard they had vandalized the previous night.

Jacob turned to look and Edward leaped into the back, knocking Embry out of the truck and onto the grassy island. "Made you look!"

Jacob kicked at Edward. "Just give it up already bat-boy! She doesn't love you!"

Edward laughed evilly. "That's not what she was yelling last night!"

"YOU ASSHOLE!!!" Jacob charged at Edward, who duck out of the way at the last moment as Jacob went tumbling off the side.

"Sorry Jake. Bella prefers sparkles to fur," Edward said to himself in an overly clichéd, yet very fulfilling remark. He then gave Jasper the signal.

"Paul! Zombie on your right!" Jasper called.

Paul turned to see a wide-eyed Edward with his tongue stuck out flicking back and forth just outside the passenger door. "GRAGHHH!!!"

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTT!!!!" Paul opened the door and fumbled out, rather than face 'Zombie Ed'. The truck's speed slowly decreased.

Edward smiled to himself as he leapt back to the monster truck. "Thank God for zombie phobias,"

"Nice one, my brother!" Jaz slapped him a high-five and they sat down comfortably in the truck bed as the truck the wolves were driving burst into flames when it hit a tree. They liked that part a whole lot.

"Alright Em, let's head home. The sooner I get there, the faster I get laid." Edward said over the truck's roar, as they cruised on toward Forks. "Oh, and married too. Almost forgot about that."


	7. Chapter 7

**You probably thought this plague of a fanfic was dead, right? Well, like the Bubonic Plague, it pops up every now and then. Like a boss. So, with a quick apology (more like a plead for merciful kindness for my year and a half absence), I resume the story of these three dumb-ass party boys and a convoluted bachelor party. Which is very obscene, when you compare it to the original work it was based off of. Which is owned by Stephanie Meyer.**

* * *

**CHAPTER SEVEN: 10:55 – 12:00 PM**

Despite Edward's anxiousness to get laid, there was a small kink in their plan. A flat tire. And, of course, even after ten minutes of studying the truck's user manual, neither of them knew how to change a tire.

"It shouldn't be all that hard." Edward said, staring at the hubcap which was the size of a small deer. "We need a tire iron, right?"

Jasper looked around, shielding his eyes from the bright sun which bore down upon them. "So, uh… Where do we find one of those?"

"Well, Emmett should have one." Edward walked around and opened the door to the cab of the truck. "Hey Emmett— Oh for the love God, man!"

Emmett was laying across the seat with a porno magazine shielding his eyes from the world around him. "Wha–! Oh, you guys. What's up?"

"We need a tire iron." Edward stated matter-of-factly.

Emmett looked amused. "Tire iron? Why do you need that?"

Edward's expression darkened. "To change a flat tire with. Or to beat a moron in the head with."

Emmett waved his hand. "Nah, besides, I threw all that shit out when I installed the cooler behind the cab. Just use your hands, you bunch of pussies. You're vampires, after all. God."

"So… Do you want to help us?" Edward asked.

"Hmm…? Let's see? Do I want to help Ed and Jaz change a tire, or would I rather read about Kelly Kream and her collection of eatable thongs?"

He promptly went back to his dirty magazine.

After thirty minutes of toil, and using Jasper as a human (or vampiric) jack, Edward and Jasper reclined against the back of the truck.

"Man," Jasper panted. "How do people make a living doing this?"

Edward looked at his fingers, which became slight rough and a warm red color from turning all the nuts and bolts while removing the cap. "They have…machines… God damn it, I'll never make it to the wedding…"

Jasper spoke up. "You could make a run for it. You might make it in time…"

"But Emmett won't leave his damn truck alone," Edward pause to flip the bird to the direction of the truck's cab. "And if the groom shows up without the groomsman, then _certain ladies_ will find you guys and know what we've been up to. Maybe I can…"

"_Well, you boys look like you could use some help_."

Edward and Jasper raised they're head up toward the source of the voice.

A pink convertible pulled in behind the truck, with three strawberry blonde girls riding along to upbeat pop music.

Jasper grinned and laughed. "Deus ex machina at its finest!"

"Long time no see, Edward." A beautiful woman in a bright tank top and tight, chic jeans jumped out of the car and took off her oversized sunglasses.

Edward's jaw dropped. "T– Tanya? What are you doing here?"

The Denali vampire wagged a finger back and forth. "Is that any way to greet a dear _cousin_?"

She clicked her tongue and smiled at Edward. "Girls, I think Jasper could use some help."

The two other similarly dressed ladies, Kate and Irina, giggled as they ran over to a dazed and awestruck Jasper and lead him over to the flat.

Edward struggled to find his vocabulary. "I… Tanya–"

Tanya slipped her hand in his. "Let's go for a ride."

\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\

Storming (gracefully) around where the wedding was to take place, Alice's anger was kindled very hot today.

She should have saw this coming, even without finding all the lesbian bondage porn on Jasper's computer. After all, what good is super fortune telling powers (as Jasper called them when he got drunk) when all you saw was your husband fucking a bunch of bimbos.

She had watched Edward, Jasper, and Emmett all throughout the night. She had to admit at first some of the things they were doing were slightly amusing, thought childish. But when the night took a turn for the perverted, and she watched those dumb-asses do all kinds of _disgusting_ things, she was sure what was going to happen to them when she got a hold of them.

_They were going to bleed like the little bitches they were._

\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\

Edward sat in the passenger seat of Tanya's convertible, looking as awkward as a pre-teen boy sitting next to a French model. The CD of Lady Gaga playing didn't help his self-esteem either.

"…Nice car…" Edward said, fiddling with his fingers.

"Shy Edward, just like always," Tanya smiled. "But let's not beat around the bush."

_Oh God_, Edward panicked. _Is she going to_—

Tanya pulled over to the side of the highway and looked at Edward with a deadly serious look. "I want you to leave that human and become my mate."

_Oh, that's a relief— Wait, what!_

"Tanya, I can't."

Tanya gripped his leg. "But Edward, can a human satisfy you like _I_ can? Don't you remember all the fun times we had during the 60's and 70's. Wasn't I your '_Sexy little Succubus_'?"

"Yes, you were—" Edward admitted.

"And what about that summer when Emmett, Rosalie, you and I camped out by the beach? Remember? Emmett brought that big bale of weed, we had that amazing sex listening—"

"To Pink Floyd. Yeah, I remember. God do I remember. But Tanya, that was more than thirty years ago. It was a blast then, but I've moved on."

Tanya's cell phone rang. Edward at first praised the divine intervening, but it turned out to be far more nefarious.

Tanya coldly handed the phone to Edward. "Jasper wants to talk to you."

Edward put the phone up to his ear. "Yeah?"

"Ed! I'm in trouble, man!" Jasper hollered over the heavy metal music in the background.

"Oh God. What is it?"

"Irina is a _lot_ more feisty than I remember."

"Dude, for the last time, keep you fucking pants on!"

"Uh… It's kinda… past that mark…"

The hand holding the phone shook, a testament to how mad Edward was. "Put Emmet on now."

"He and Kate are up front driving… Actually, Kate is technically in front of Em right now. Use your imagination. Hey Irina, smile for the camera, babe."

Edward rolled his eyes. "Oh fuck me."

Jasper responded with a wild laugh. "Whoa, dude. That's actually what Kate's saying to Em right—"

Edward had heard enough. He turned off the phone and handed it to Tanya.

"Is something wrong?" Tanya asked.

"My whole life." Edward turned and looked outside at the cattle in a nearby pasture.

His eyes widened when he saw a figure running at his direction.

A short girl with dark, spunky hair and delicate features belying her terror inducing personality.

"Alice." Was all Edward could mutter.

"Oh shit." Tanya flung open the car door and tried to make a run for it.

But Alice had momentum. "_Should have stayed in the car, bitch!_"

A leg flew out from underneath Alice and planted itself into Tanya's stomach, promptly launching her into the grid of pine trees bordering the cow pasture.

Edward's mouth shot open in a horrified expression when he locked eyes with his sister.

Alice opened the passenger-side door, her normal pixie-like demeanor morphed into a demon's.

"Get in the driver's seat and drive to your fucking wedding. NOW!"

Edward could not have slid into the adjacent seat faster.

Alice sat down in the passenger's seat. She picked up Tanya's oversized sunglasses and eyed them. "These are a really expensive brand."

She snapped the glasses in two and flung them out the window.

Edward floored it. He must of at least been doing 110 mph. "Uh, what about Em and Jaz?"

Alice shot him a dark look. "What about them? Rosalie's handling those two jagoffs."

It was going to be a long drive.


	8. Epilogue

**The finale is finally (pun) here! This is the epic conclusion of this fanfic, which I hope will be enjoyable to all the fans of this story. AND SOME HUGE THANKS TO THOSE WHO REVIEWED! You guys are just so many kinds of awesomeness and deserve a lot of the credit for the completion of this. And so my friends, I present to you one last time, the infamous Edward Cullen's Last Night on the Town:**

**And in case you didn't get it in the last seven chapters, Stephanie Meyer owns the Twilight Saga. "Fo sho?" you say. "Fo sho." Says I.**

* * *

**EPILOGUE**

Tense cannot begin to describe the mood of the drive back to Forks. Imagine having someone sitting next to you who mutters things like "snap his neck" and "I'll yank all their balls off if we don't make it in time".

Total shit is the more appropriate word.

But nevertheless, Edward made it safe and sound to the site. Emmett, Jasper, and a foul-looking Rosalie pulled in behind them. Edward wasn't sure which was colder: the glare of disgust she gave him or the backhand she gave the side of Emmett's head when he shot a thumbs ups to Edward.

Ironically, the Denali clan had all made it here before any of them had pulled in. It seemed that Rosalie and Alice had placed enough fear into the three blondes to encourage their speedy arrival.

_Now_, Edward smile inwardly. _Let's grab my tux and get this party started!_

\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\

The wedding had gone on without a hitch (well, discarding the fact that the _poodles_ tried to crash the party and acted like a bunch of whiney little turds). Bella had her dream wedding and Edward finally got into Bella's pants.

He was also extremely proud of the fact that he broke the bed on his first night in more than twenty years. _Hell yeah, son_. Sadly, he got a little _too_ excited and made her prego.

And a bunch of other stuff happened afterwards, but it's not important.

\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\

**-On Edward and Bella's Anniversary-**

"Hurry up Edward, the movie's about to start!" Bella hollered.

Edward walked down the stairs and took a seat at the long couch in front of the television with his wife. It seemed Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett was joining them also.

"So, what are we watching?" Edward asked.

"Oh, just something me and Rose picked out. Should be pretty funny." Alice said cheerfully.

"Sounds great." Edward sat down on the couch and wrapped an arm around Bella's side.

Something was wrong though. Edward could hears Jasper's flipped-out thoughts shouting "_Oh fuck, this is not good, this is not good at all!"_. Jasper even looked claustrophobic.

Oddly, Emmett wasn't thinking at all. Not even about nude women. He just stared blankly at the carpet under his feet.

The title of the movie explained it all. _We're Dumb Fucks: Edward Cullen's Last Night on the Town. The Bachelor Party Edition._

On Edward's left, Alice smiled at him malevolently. "I made it."

Edward's eyes widened. "Oh fu-"

Alice's hand swatted Edward in the mouth. Rosalie, on noticing Bella's confusion, held her hand and said. "It's okay, Bella. Alice and I are on your side."

The movie looked like it was made with Window's Movie Maker. All the pictures, video, and even some _very_ unflattering audio of Em, Jaz, and Ed's awkward conversations during his joke of a bachelor party; Alice had somehow managed to find them all.

After nine minutes the movie finally came to an end. Alice stood up and bowed.

"I showed you this Bella so you wouldn't be fooled by _him_. Underneath that glitter lies a craven and sinful beast bound to no moral code. Me and Rose both had the same problems."

"And we thought we had gotten rid of these _tendencies_, but it seems we'll have to redouble our efforts." Rosalie added.

Jasper shuddered.

Bella's normally pale face turned pinkish red from the mix of embarrassment and anger. "_Edward Cullen_."

"Bella, honey, I can explain—"

"Fine. You explain _anything_ you want to me in three weeks. When I let you back in the house."

Edward's face became crestfallen. "Uh… Yes ma'am."

"Don't worry, Edward. At least you won't be lonely." Rosalie said. "Emmett and Jasper are getting six weeks outside for actually plotting the whole thing."

No wonder they were both so freaked out.

\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\

It had only been two days into their punishments, and the trio looked as if they had gone insane.

The girls, along with Renesmee, had decided to spend a few weeks in Europe as revenge against their husbands' previous debauchery. Carlisle and Esme, under orders from the three girls, refused to let them in. They seemed to get quite a bit of humor from the whole situation, but then again, Edward couldn't blame them. The whole predicament was pretty funny, at least looking at it from a bystander's point of view.

The only thing the three could do to pass the time was smoke some of Emmett's weed he had hid in his very own hand-dug man-cave complete with a circa 1992 cassette player that refused to eject the Willie Nelson tape that had been stuck in it for two decades, a box full of playboy's from the 80's and 90's, and a blue tarp spread across the ground which they sat on smoking their ganja. Regular ganja, thankfully. Not that weird psychedelic shit Emmett had from a year ago. Even so, Jasper politely refused and studied the playboys instead.

"That bachelor party _was_ fun though." Emmett said, while he and Edward took turns between joints playing Russian roulette with an airsoft revolver.

"In some ways, others…not so much." Edward held the revolver's barrel against the side of his head. Click. He passed it to Emmett.

"Yeah true," _pfft!_ "Ow! Those little fuckers hurt." Edward and Jasper had a laugh at Emmett's expense.

"All and all, it was some pretty damn cool things we did, so…thanks guys. And I mean it. A great way to end my bachelor's lifestyle."

The two vampires looked at him, astonished.

"Edward Cullen just said thanks and actually meant it? Where's that fucking camera when you need it?"

-**End**-


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